I noticed that he had closed the doors that day. We call it “chaari” in Malayalam, to slightly close, as to indicate the presence of privacy while displaying the lack of constrains, like hidden freewill, like clubs that let you dance in the darkness.
He asked me to lie down and started making hollows with his palms, from one chakra point in my body to another. It was day eight and I was feeling much better. The darkness had receded. The anxiety had calmed, the hopelessness had brimmed up to forma. Good pool of optimism.
Reiki, a healing art form the Eastern lore of medicines, uses love, love from the universe and from nature to heal chakras, fix imbalances and take away negative energy from the body. The person performing reiki, is the connector, who does not absorb any of the positivity or the negativity, but instead channels it into where it is necessary.
Eight straight days of reiki had sucked out the load of secondary trauma I was carrying. But on day 8, things took a spin.
After a couple of whooshes with his hands, he asked me to get up and hugged me tight.
This is Chinese healing technique he said. I believed every word he said, the renown Reiki grandmaster and naati doctor, who treats two whole hospitals full of people and takes naturopathy centres full of people, often treating people free of cost even.
Doctor K was one among the best in his the business and I was not one to doubt his skills and intuition. His intentions were declared pure by the fact that I was there for treatment as his patient.
During the Chinese hugs, his face came awfully close to mine but my head mostly stayed down.
The next time around when he moved from one side to the other, he paused in front of my face for a second and landed a kiss on my lips.
tears streamed down my face
He panicked a bit, it was barely shown in his actions but shone bright in his eyes,
he said, what happened, why are you crying?”
I replied in Malayalam, hoping he understood every word I managed to scramble out,
“why did you kiss me”,
he said, "reiki is healing through love, so I just got carried away and gave you too much love.
There are no bad intentions there."
When a renowned man tells you that, “only if you cry and tell other people about it will it become a problem, if you don’t tell anyone and forget about it, everything will be fine, and nothing and happened here. I only have good intentions in my mind”, he tried to reassure me.
I continued to wail, grief flailing about, pouring out like lava, feeling stuck, broken when expecting to be fixed. Betrayed in the safest place. It was typical shock. He stayed back, tried to whoosh away a lot of the negative energy, left the room and came back. Couldn’t watch me cry anymore, he said, and left.
He apologised and took his leave.
I bawled my eyes out, into the night.
An old friend called that night and I told him everything through tears. He called out the bullshit and asked me to leave immediately.
He confirmed in fact that I was molested and decided that I should inform my family immediately and get out of there!
As realisation came down, tears, anger and frustration made me lost my appetite and sleep. Cried in my sleep I think.
Uncomfortable inside those walls, the memory of that haunting kiss - the scene kept replaying in my head over and over again.
Refusing to eat all night, I reached out to my brother early in the morning.
It was a sunny Saturday, I woke up to birds and squirrels competing with their cacophony abruptly from an hour long quick shut eye I managed to catch finally at night. Exhausted from crying.
The in house resident physiatrist came in.
He seemed ready to civic and calm me down. I resisted initially, stating that all was well and that I simply wanted to go home because his treatment there was not suiting my boundaries.
He started digging, told me “see, everyone has childhood trauma, you shouldn’t let it hold you back like this”, to which I said my childhood trauma had nothing to do with the situation then and that I just needed to get home and that my sibling would come get me soon. He dug even more.
Through my tears I said Kumar doctor had kissed me, the other doctor couldn’t believe it. He sang his praises for a good minute stating him, considering him even as a the ultimate healer who has gone around the world and studied nature in details and is enlightened, and attuned with the universe and, like he could do no harm.
To which I said, “then why did he apologise.”
This exclamation shocked the psychiatrist who fell to my feet and said “you people are affluent, this is my only source if income, please don’t tell anyone about this, my family won’t be able to eat anymore. I think no-one should be feeding their family by giving trauma to people who come seeking healing.
I yelled at him, like I was literally spitting on him, I really wanted to, for that horrendous reaction, showing the true selfishness of mankind in its purest, worst form. I was disgusted by the harshness if reality in that situation.
He said ask your mother to come, let me talk other, ask only her to come.
Doctor came anointed me with reiki. It looked like something out of Dragon ball Z if you imagine the colours. My life played on like a manga series episode.
No guilt or shame.
Instead of explaining the fragile situation my mother, this doctor accused her of not loving me enough. He said “hug her once in a. While, she hasn’t received any love, that’s why she’s like this”.
Doctor said “why don’t you show this child some love, she hasn’t gotten any and that’s the root of all her problems.”
Amma wept, unable to handle the thought that her sole mission in life was not met when in fact I was a loved, immensely lobed, pampered, youngest kid of the family, my mother pored me with love, she pours everyone with light, love and positivity and delicious food. Through her tears she could comprehend anything more even as I frantically told her that he was lying, trying to manipulate her,
Asking her not to tune into that, whatever he was trying to create to escape what his godly doctor has done to me.
We Paid because he asked me not to pay when I told him about the incident, Rs.16,000 in
Went home to an angry brother, still a little confused if he was right to say that I wasn’t openminded enough to accept that that action does not have to be labelled as a “bad thing”. He made me seem small, but my morals were slain in half, I couldn’t comprehend the situation so I called him once more. I asked for some diet advice and some doubts about reiki, he gave me some distance healing too.
After the incident, I decided that I had been so shocked because I absolutely relied on this man to heal me instead of taking it upon myself to heal. I took it into my hands and within weeks, I was fine.
It was like he had a “chaari” (almost closed) mentality about the incident - I always had the option of defending myself or backing out but it was such an unexpected blow that I couldn’t quite comprehend which box to put it into.
It was a hidden secret.
My only fear is - does he share this hidden secret with other young, impoverished girls he gives free treatment too.
I was 26 and had a Masters degree and he convinced me, what about everyone else?
Are they anointed too?